The Pong
by boogle
Summary: Another rhyme concocted with my insane bout of boredness... enjoy! it's about a 'pong', hence the title x.x
1. ding dong pong

Disclaimer: I do not own red dwarf! Okeydokey?

Warning: may contain nuts, oh… and crappy rhyming.

Rightyho, I get bored, so I decided I would have a go at more rhyming! Lucky you getting to read it eh?

…….

…….

"I threw a two and a six!" said Rimmer,  
Oblivious to the truth,  
That everyone was dying of boredom,  
Like waiting for photos at Boots,

"And than, I surprised myself" he said,  
"By tossing a three _and_ a one!  
You should have seen the look on his face,  
It was _obvious_ that I'd won!"

Lister crumpled the cans of beer,  
With his head as he fell sound asleep,  
While Cat had nodded off hours ago,  
In a neat sequined gold spangled heap,

And so none of them realised,  
That something had gone very wrong,  
Instead they snored, and were dreadfully bored,  
And just didn't notice the pong,

The 'pong' was a very evil thing indeed,  
It looked like a congealed sneeze,  
Green and smelly, like a jumbo welly,  
With a voice like a hive full of bees,

It had snuck onboard from the planet named:  
'Oh my god did that thing eat you?'  
And had disguised itself in a crate of supplies,  
As a vegan style vindaloo,

So as you can imagine, it hadn't been touched,  
And had ample time to plot a scheme,  
Involving pain, and in truth quite insane,  
Things it could do to the team,

It boldly leapt from its container,  
Into the cockpit with the crew,  
Deciding it could drown them all to death,  
With a smell worse than curry pasta stew,

Cat was the first one to notice,  
His sense of smell being the best,  
That something smelled worse than Lister's armpits,  
At a 'let's get smelly!' contest,

"Oh god buds what is that _smell_?"  
He said sleepily, a hand over his mouth,  
"It smells worse, than a gorilla's hearse,  
When the funeral food all went south!"

"Do you mind, I haven't finished yet!"  
Said Rimmer, "the next thing that I threw-"  
Cat said, "Bud with your grand canyon nostrils,  
You should be able to smell it too!"

"Smell what?" asked Rimmer, who was getting annoyed,  
At the blatant disregard of his tale,  
"Oh _that_!" he gasped as the stench reached his nose,  
And he turned an odd shade of pale,

The big smelly thing slopped onto Lister's head,  
With the biggest grin it could manage,  
"Now is the time!" it said with a whine,  
"To cause a smeg's lot of damage!"

"Argghh! Help me!" cried Lister,  
Having only this minute woken,  
"This thing stinks more than my laundry!  
When it's really whiffy and soakin'!"

"Bud look there's a big sneeze on Chipmunk cheek's head!"  
Squealed Cat, as he pointed with fear,  
"Quick get it away! Who knows what will happen,  
To my poor suits if it comes near!"

"Quiet stupid feline!" the 'sneeze' sneered,  
Cat frowned, "Stupid? You've got some cheek!"  
"You're even dimmer, than him," said Rimmer,  
"And that is pretty damn weak!"

"Oh quiet, I'm trying to kill your friend,  
And talking is just a distraction,  
But soon he'll be dead!" the evil thing said,  
"Then I'll get down to some action!"

…….

…….

Review please!

I am first and foremost a nutter…


	2. The pong goes on

Thanks to **ZK**, **Sunrise **and** Linda** for reviewing! You people are really nice, maybe I'm not such a hippo after all.

…….

…….

Where was I? Oh yes, our fabulous three,  
Had encountered a bit of a hurdle,  
A big smelly pong, had come on along,  
With a stench that could make water curdle,

"Get Kryten!" Lister yelled as the thing sucked his head,  
"Where the _smeg_ has he gone?"  
"Bud, he's in the middle of doing the whites,  
If I butt in they'll never get done!"

"_This_ is more important!" yelled Lister,  
Said Cat: "Bud, it could be much worse!  
What if I woke up with red and blue trim,  
And a hand me down pink pocket purse!"

Rimmer, frowned, "This has happened before!  
We're all speaking in smegging rhyme!"  
"No we're not, you are!" said Cat,  
"And bud this is so not the time!"

Said the pong, "How is an evil thing,  
Supposed to do its job,  
When its victims keep on talking,  
And won't shut they're stupid big gobs!"

"I would shut my gob, if there wasn't a great,"  
Said Lister "stinky blob on my head!  
But look, it appears, it's already to my ears,  
And it won't let go until it's fed!"

"That's right," grinned the blob.

Cat had a sudden idea and said:  
"Do you mind if I go change my suit?  
Only I'd feel more comfortable watching buds die,  
Wearing something more stylish and cute,"

"No!" said the pong "I'm evil!  
You'll have to stay with what you've got,"  
"But that's just wrong," Cat said to the pong,  
"I'd rather just be shot!"

So the feline decided to be clever,  
Which is quite unusual I know,  
But he wanted to trick the manky blob,  
Into just letting him go,

"Oh god buddy! Look out behind you!"  
Cat screeched with a point of his finger,  
"It's a bottle of that cleaner febreze! That  
Kills smells that tend to linger!"

The blob 'sneeze' was fooled, and turned its head,  
With an "Arrrggghh! Don't let it get me!"  
And Cat legged it quicker, than an outlawed vicar,  
Who is absolutely bursting for a wee,

"HELLO! I'm still getting eaten alive!"  
Cried Lister, "Rimmer help!"  
But Rimmer poor dear, had too much too fear,  
So just gave a small sorry yelp,

Cat ran away for a year and a day,  
To the land where the bongo trees grew,  
Wait a minute, I'm getting confused…

Cat ran away as fast as he could,  
Kryten would know what to do!  
But to Cat's dismay, he went the wrong way,  
And ended up in the girl's loo,

After a quick freshen up and a change of clothing,  
Cat was back on the track,  
To find meat tenderiser head,  
And give that old 'sneeze' the whack,

…….

…….

Review please!


	3. on and on again

WHOOP! I got reviews! I'm so happy!

Thankyou to **ZK** and **Sunrise** for being so very fab.

I haven't had any sleep for 35 hours, so I'm sorry if this makes no sense!

…….

…….

Kryten looked at the wonderful whites,  
Gone was the crusty yellow!  
And the curry stain and lager soil,  
And that awful blob of jello,

"Aaoooww!" said the Cat spinning in,  
With a smile, he spotted the mechanoid,  
"Hey bud I finally found you!" he said,  
"I was beginning to get annoyed!"

"Whatever do you mean sir?"  
Replied Cat: "Don't you know what's going on?  
The whole ship's been taken over (again)!  
By an evil ugly smelly little pong!"

"Oh my!" said Kryten, "Why do these things,  
Always happen at the most awkward time?  
I've only got half way through the laundry sir,  
And I can't stop speaking in rhyme!"

"Must be some type of virus" Cat mused,  
"But anyway, we need your help and fast!  
Curry breath's getting suckered by a snotty blob,  
And I don't think my suits are gonna last!"

"Oh dear! We'll have to go right away sir -  
This is worse than when Mr Lister had that gout!"  
"You're right bud, what could happen to my gorgeous suits,  
Doesn't even bare thinking about!"

So off they ran through the corridors,  
To save the other members of the crew,  
And of course most of Cat's clothing,  
And his hair mousse, and mirrors, and shoes,

…….

Meanwhile, the blob was beginning to give up,  
As the squishing was not worth the wait,  
"You're skull's tougher than vindalooed mutton,  
That's 12 years past its sell by date!"

"Oh thanks," Our Listy grumbled,  
"Why not try Rimmer instead?"  
Through the gunky green slime, he heard Rimmer whine:  
"Lister has the squishier head!"

Maybe now is the time, for some background info,  
On that ugly smelly pongy pong,  
It had come on the ship, for a nice little trip,  
And to kill off the crew before long,

It was part of a team called 'Potentially Risky Alliance of the Things that Smell'  
Which incidentally forms the word 'Prats',  
But being not very clever, they failed to endeavour,  
Making a better name than that,

And the pong was not having a good time,  
He thought being evil was supposed to be easy,  
But it was proving even harder than,  
Hanging washing out, with magnets when it's breezy,

And strangely, no one ever wonders,  
What a hard life these poor monsters lead,  
It's not their fault they want to kill you,  
It's just what they were brought up to believe,

And now, I'm sorry, but I can't be bothered,  
To write anymore at this instant,  
So you'll have to patiently wait for more,  
Oh just be awfully persistent, (like me on a bad day)

…….

…….

Reviews are greatly appreciated!


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